it was 2008/2009 not really sure. But he was saying how the whole seminar was about all doom and gloom. He said it was like they

were attending a funeral, and he put it as mindly as he could : ” it will get a whole lot worse before it gets better”. After two years I

thought to myself that maybe we did’nt get it as bad as the rest of the continent, until it hit mea recently when the blue bank issue out a

notice saying it was retrenching. This happens to be my husband’s employer mind you, hence the chill down my spine. With a new

bond, a baby on the way, what is one to do. Really!

My husband has adopted the “will cross the bridge when we get there” attitude. I wish I could say the same for me, but I can’t. See I know people who work at the blue bank, and my sister happens to be working for another company on the same group as the blue bank, and I just can’t help but to stress a bit about this. We are supposed to have gone through this recession unscatheb or maybe just a tad, but am beginning to think that I was a bit naive to believe that.

I really really really hope that we all pass though this, we I mean all those I know working for the blue bank and the related companies, I hope something better comes their way or their jobs are saved. I am sitting fretfully waiting for an email or call saying “I did’nt get called to the boardroom”…This here will make my year…

Truth be told, honestly if I was told that I was carrying a severly handicapped baby, I would want to abort. I remember when my mother was pregnant with my brother, she had to do all sorts of test and undergo a whole number of counselling before the baby was born, because she was over-age and chances of getting a handicapped baby were huge. Thank God – Tshimo is fine.

She was told of the disadvantages of having such a child, that the child will never grow to be independent, will never be able to live his or her own life. And that you will have to dedicate the rest of yourlife to this child. I guess that is a bit hard for a parent to accept. And as a parent am sure that one would love their child regardless of their condition, and truth be told no one else will have that kind of love for your child. Most parents decide for one parent to stay at home to look after this child. Nowadays the cost of living is very hard, both parents need to be working and then there’s the bills, the morgage, etc.

As a christian, yes, my first and only hope would be to turn to God. I look at myself and wonder if something like this happened to us, would I cope, Has God equipped me, with that kind of humility, selflessness and love. I am told that there is nothing as strong as the motherly bond, my question is , what would I do, if I were put in that situation.

Most parents who have these kind of children, they are the most remarkable, loving people I’ve ever seen or read about. I’ve seen most of them on TV of course, like the parents of a 7 year old schizophenia. The sacrifises they had to make, the hard decision they had to take? These people are high income to middle income earners, imagine if you were just starting out in your career, you have student loans to pay off, morgage repayments to make, list is endless.

We are talking family with ES, and these are just some of my fears. I pray to God everyday to give me the strength to make me a better person, and a better parent. My concerns are also about wether I will be able to have children..these are tough things to consider when starting out as a young family hey.

 So much has been going on in my little world, the wedding, house searching and all. It’s been a stressful year I must say, so much changed in so little time. I guess this is nothing but a cycle of life. Like they say, the only constant is change..

So yes, my sister got married and moved house, and in a few months, I will also be moving out of home. Am not sure if am as excited about this like my sister was hey. It’s just the change that has my stomach in knots.

In a couple of weeks, ES’s family will be coming to finish of the magadi, the marital counselling starting off  too. And I on the other hand find myself having issues with fidelity. Am not having an affair, but have a situation that,  dont know how I got myself entangled into.

I dont want to be the one, to put things into perspective for the other party…just way too much trouble. So if the universe can arrange things they way they should, I will greatly appreciate it..

This makes me sad and angry. Here’s a man who was trying to do good and now it is all going wrong in every possible way.And I read somewhere about him resigning….Oh no, he better not…He started this, it is only fair that he sees this through….This is his brain wave

On a side note…
My uncle passed away and buried about two weeks ago. Now my uncle was a staunch methodist and was a “Dodana” at some point. At the time of his death he was attending a church somewhere in town, under his jurisdiction. His home was in soweto….and this is where he was to be buried. He sends a girl, english speaking priest to a xhosa community, who has no clue on how things are down, so in her quest to be acknowledged she comes out disrespectful to the culture and community. I was very angry at teh church not only did they send someone who is incompetent, incoherent she was cluesless about the community she was to serve in that day.

She was African possibly
from one of the northern neighbouring countries.I am not trying to be discriminative or anything, but if our neighbours from other countries are to serve in our communities they must familiarise themselves with our cultures, especially when it comes to burying our dead….

So today, makes it a year, I miss you, I wish even more that we spent time together, that I visited like I promised every year that I would. See, I was’nt expecting you to be taken away so soo, I guess one never really knows the time hey…

I meant to wear pink today to celebrate colour, because I know just how much you loved colour, but a ka hlatswa so my pink jersey and t-shirts are dirty, but I’ve got on a bright yellow jersey and a bright smile to remember you by…It is still sad to think about you, but am sure you are in a far happier place – “where trouble turn to lemon drops”…

So here’s a flower for you – and a lovely smile on my face – just to say I think about you, I miss you….

This isn’t about my love of reading but of how saddened I am about the closure of “Exclusive books” in Maponya mall. It feels like something has been taken away from me. They state their reason for closing this branch as “no longer possible for us to continue trading from the existing store” due to current economic downturn. This makes sense for a “book shop” operating in soweto to close shop, that being said, it was still the only book shop in soweto and in the neighbouring arears, there’s no bookshop in the many malls built in soweto not even in southgate, not so sure about trade route mall. What is this saying about the people who stay in this areas? Could it be that we dont read, that these kind businesses dont see it fit to continue trading in our areas.

I am fortunate to have worked and still working in the publishing sector, meaning I get my books cheaper and soemtimes for free, so books are always thrown at me. But what about the average joe in the street? What is he reading? Daily sun perhaps? If so, why then are his reading interests not catered for? Where are the soweto bred authors, why are they not writing for their people, saving this book stores.

I have recently found a second hand book store where I now buy my books – ( when the economy takes a down turn, as an avid reader you dont stop reading but find alternative means to get books) second hand book stores? I dont believe that black people dont want to read – it’s just that there’s whole lot of other things that are more important.i.e children’s school fees, food, transport etc.

I think that South african authors and publishers are failing us in this regard. We want to read, make it easy for us amke it affordable. If I can find second hand books store in Craighall/rosebank/emmarentia…Then there should be one in Soweto…

Stop the world, this can’t be right? Things like this dont happen to people I know, How do I deal with this, how does she deal with this, how will they deal with this. It’s not about me, but about her, and what she is going through. So I can’t moan about me, about what I am feeling. So, I say a prayer, and hope…hope very hard that this is just a dream.Is it? My issues above are abitrary compared to what is going on in her life right? Hope for my situation me sorted – can we have the same for her please!

I now own something red, pink and lacy…and the cup size has increased, to a 32 D!!!! How lovely…

Summer please cometh soonest!!!

He has truly been faithful in the past 25 yrs, and he continues to be soo

May your roots roots go deep down into the soil of God’s marvelous love. May you have the power to understand how wide, how long and how high and how deep his love really is…. it was somewhere in ephesians…..

Instead of writing something arb’ let me just end it here, and will write up a more meaningfull post sometime later, when I am more inspired or when I’ve lined up my thoughts and feelings about my life, the economy, heck even the soccer…

On the flip side, I saw “him” on the road the other day, he has changed cars, had to shut my sister’s mouth to keep her from screeming out the window, asking for my leather jacket…I mean really now, it has been what? three years already, and I have even bought myself another jacket…

What scares me the most is that, I still have that sick feeling in the stomach when I see him. Is he the one that I will always love, but never will have?? Don’t get me wrong I love ES to bits, I see forever in his eyes..and all that jazz that comes in a love song…But Geez, the feelings I had were intsense marn!

I know I promised myself never to go back there, but, honestly am not over this guy….and it’s not like he was the best thing to ever happen to me, he ws a real jerk!!!!